Real baseball fans know that there’s no such thing as moderation when you’re eating at a Major League Baseball stadium. That’s why the best things you can order when you’re diamond-adjacent happen to come with four-figure calorie counts (or five if you’re lucky!). While the teams do battle on the field, the real competition comes at concession stands around the league where these 10 awesomely massive snacks fight for your attention.
Fan vs. Food Burger at Everglades Brewhouse
When is a burger not a burger? When it’s this 4lb. bacon cheeseburger behemoth that also, coincidentally, comes with a side of fries that weigh in at a pound themselves. It’ll set you back $30, but if you finish the whole thing (added bonus: no time limit!), you’ll score two tickets to a future Rays game and a t-shirt.Get tickets to the Tampa Bay Rays at Tropicana Field
The 12-Scoop Ice Cream Sundae
Have you ever finished off a sundae at a ballpark and thought, “instead of one scoop, I wish there twelve?” No? Well somebody on the White Sox marketing team has and that’s why you can now order this massive banana split served in a full size plastic batting helmet. It’ll cost you $17 and your dignity.Scream for ice cream at U.S. Cellular Field when you get Chicago White Sox tickets
Every year, the sports world blows up with news of the latest outrageous ballpark creation and this year, it was the Diamondbacks’ D-Bat – an 18-inch corn dog filled with cheese and jalapenos, then wrapped in bacon before frying ($25). No word yet on if Paul Goldschmidt has tried to actually hit with this tasty bat, but they’re so popular that the D-Backs are regularly selling out of D-Bats.Get tickets to the Arizona Diamondbacks to eat Chase Field’s famous D’Bat
So the Rangers sign Shin-Soo Choo and how do they celebrate? With a two-foot teriyaki beef sandwich. The Choomongous is a massive beef-bomb topped with spicy slaw and Sriracha for $26. Share it with a friend or six.Save on Texas Rangers tickets for the chance to eat 24-inches of sandwich at Globe Life Park
Liberty Village Smoked Pork Sandwich at Muddy York Market
Standard sandwich rule of thumb: everything tastes better on an onion roll. The Blue Jays know this and that’s why their new Liberty Village Smoked Pork sandwich brings combines smoked pork, slaw, apple chutney, and dijonaise and slaps it between a hefty onion roll (with some fried onion strings in there to tie it all together). It may not end up being as popular as poutine, but this smoked pork sammy is going to become a Canadian favorite soon enough.Get your Blue Jays tickets to taste the best food at the Rogers Centre.
Time for some math. What do you get when you multiply four slices of bread by nine types of cheese and add candied bacon and a leek-and-apple compote? Heartburn. At PNC Park, though, the answer is The Closer, a massive, 4-story grilled cheese that’s so delicious it’s worth the extra calories.With Pittsburgh Pirates tickets you can try out the best grilled cheese in the MLB at PNC Park
Texas Hold ‘Em
In comparison to the rest of this list, the Texas Hold ‘Em looks like health food. While not nearly as big as The Closer, this pulled barbeque chicken sandwich comes on thick slices of Texas toast (what else?) and starts tipping the scales quickly with slices of cheddar cheese, creamy slaw, tomato, and crispy fries. If that’s not enough calories for you, go ahead and order two.Step 1: buy your Houston Astros tickets; Step 2: try out the best sandwich at Minute Maid Park
Crab Mac N Cheese Dog at Stuggy’s
While the Walk-Off (crab dip-covered sausage on a pretzel roll) at Dempsey’s definitely qualifies here, the winner of Baltimore’s most outrageous stadium snack goes to the Crab Mac N Cheese Dog from local favorite Stuggy’s. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a hot dog topped with macaroni & cheese and lump crab meat. Do you have cholesterol problems? You do now.Get Baltimore Orioles tickets to Oriole Park at Camden Yards and mac and cheese and crab dip are yours
Pulled Pork Parfait
Only in Wisconsin can they get away with stuffing pulled pork, mashed potatoes, chives and barbeque sauce into a plastic cup and calling it a parfait for $7. Brewers fans can stock up on all the brats they want, but the classy folks know that when they’re at Miller Park, the smart money is on the parfait.There’s no yogurt in the Miller Park parfait. Don’t miss out on Milwaukee Brewers tickets now.
Slider Family Meal Deal
Okay, okay, so this may be cheating, but there’s a good chance that some ambitious Yankee fan has tried to take down the Slider Family Meal Deal (SFMD) by himself, so it counts. What’s the SMFD? It’s a bucket of five sliders (your choice of burgers, fried chicken, or pulled pork) with a C.C. Sabathia-sized order of fries – all for $20. As an added bonus, you get a free liter of soda when you pay with a MasterCard. Mickey Mantle would be so proud.Save on all your New York Yankees tickets.
Have you run across any monster stadium food lately? If so, tweet us @ScoreBig to share your most insane food finds.
By Jason Kessler for the ScoreBlog
Featured image credit: M Glasgow