Your fantasy football draft is coming up and you stupidly volunteered to host. Bad move, dude. That means that in additional to combing through data about kickers and figuring out which two enormous lightning-quick grown men to handcuff together, you’ve got to plan a menu. Instead of trying to get out of the whole thing with a lame excuse about your torn fantasy ACL, make the most of it. Let the other bozos in your league worry about Luck vs. RG3 while you focus on the real debate: brats vs. hot dogs.
ScoreBig always helps you save on NFL tickets. Now we’re going to help you be the champion of your draft with a menu that will turn you into a hero as you vanquish your opponents in one bite because what’s the point of hosting the fantasy football draft at your place if you can’t use it to your own advantage? With that in mind, here are five things you’re going to serve to give you that draft night edge:
The Greatest Taco Bar of All Time
The premise is simple: fantasy football drafts are filled with more decisions than your average guy makes in a week. With so many choices swimming around (do I draft a QB in the first round, Seattle Seahawks vs. Carolina Panthers on defense, which rookie’s going to bust out, etc.) the last thing anybody needs on draft day is a table full of more choices. So what are you going to do? Give the other managers in your league the Greatest Taco Bar of All Time with roughly 50 toppings to choose from. Yes, it sucks to buy all that stuff and set it up, but it’s worth it if you end up mentally incapacitating your opponents. While they’re nervously trying to decide on pepperjack or muenster (more cheese!), they’ll conveniently forget what they decided about Broncos’ Montee Ball vs. C.J. Spiller. Now you’re inside their heads AND stomachs. Well done, you devious bastard.
(Less) Talkin’ Turkey Sandwiches
Turkey, hummus, and whole grain bread are all known to induce sleepiness. That’s why you’re taking all three ingredients and making sandwiches for the whole gang. “What happened to buffalo wings?” they’ll say, right before nodding off. By the time that 5th Round starts up, half of the league will hit auto-draft as they get a little shut-eye. If you really want to go for it, serve up some chili, too, and the snoring will start before Reggie Bush is even off the board. Can you say “sleeper pick?”
Cheesy Snacks to the Max
Let’s face it: we’re not getting any younger and with each passing year, our body’s ability to digest cheese is disappearing. If you’re not entirely lactose intolerant by now, you will be soon and that means that too much cheese, like too many shots, is going to cause trouble in just a few hours. That’s why you’re putting cheese in everything. Open with a straight-up cheese plate for the Packers fans, offer some chips and chili con queso (if you’re a Texans fan, it’s just called queso), then aim for the Bears fans with a cheese-heavy deep-dish pizza. Their stomachs will distract them with more noises than a marching band, which gives you the leg up in the later rounds.
How do you get a party going in college? Pour a bunch of Everclear and Kool-Aid in a punch bowl and turn on some music. How do you get a party going during your fantasy football draft? Pour a bunch of Everclear and Kool-Aid in a punch bowl and turn on ESPN. Like all good casinos know, people make poor decisions when they’re sloshed. If you can find a way to get your opponents tipsy, chances are they’ll be making some major tactical errors in the later rounds. Devin Hester as a receiver? Your buddy Frank just has a feeling about it. The Bears defense? After a couple of glasses of punch, that weird guy Toby from Chicago thinks they’re going to save his season. The more they drink, the worse they draft and that plays right into your greedy little fantasy hands.
Cinnamon Bun Stick ‘Em
This one’s more of a hail mary, but follow the logic here: get something sticky for dessert (cinnamon buns are a perfect 10 on the stickiness scale) and maybe your pals/sworn enemies will have a terrible keyboard malfunction on their laptops whilst drafting. Did Over-Confident Evan just accidentally draft Jason Campbell? Whoops. Sticky fingers on the field = good thing. Sticky fingers on draft night = big mistake.
After a night of dining on these secret weaponized foods, the rest of your fantasy football league may hate you, but at the end of the season it’s going to be you sitting pretty at the top of the standings. What’s more important: friends or fantasy football glory? It’s not even close. Glory wins every time. And if you feel like apologizing to the league after you take all their money, surprise them with NFL tickets from ScoreBig, where you save on every ticket, every day.